Hey,
I didn't know what I was then. I didn't know about it at all, but I pretended to know it well. I really hated myself that I alwasys ended up with trying to hide my inmatured self.
Then I met you, and the moments with you were nothing, but a miracle for me. But you were further ahead then. Taking a example of a running race, you were running far far ahead of me. What about me? I was still desperately running to catch up with you far far behind you, but the goal was still further ahead. The feelings of shame to myself surpassed the feelings of wanting to be honest to you. Then you were gone...
The only thing that I could do was to keep believing in a word, "Fate", and to keep fighting against myself and the fate to catch up with you someday, which seems to be still endless. If I could become a better person, and come back to this town, then I might be allowed to see you again. I know that it sounds so silly, but that was the only way for me without loosing any hopes to survive this world in which we can't easily tell what to believe among fakes.
I didn't want to ask you anything about restaurants, bars and wines. I just wanted to say, "Let's meet for a drink!". Very simple, but I just couldn't. It was because of you. You who were the only one that might have made me try believe in a word, Fate.
When the chance finally came last November, I made a mistake again same as I had done 15 years ago. You must have been somewhere around in this town, but I just couldn't say just one simple word, "Let's meet for a drink after a long interval!". I had been doing my fully best to catch up with you, and I finally made it come over here.... I felt so silly.
I lied to myself again, and got home... However, something unbelievable happed to me the next day. I met a guy in the town by chane. He was the exact one who strogly persuaded me to address you at that club. I just couldn't understand what was going on then...
Soon later that, my company assigned me to visit Aurstralia. I've been working as a tour escort for nearly 10 years, but my first ever! If I dare use a word, "The God", it was like he was asking me to do an unfinished job back in Australia.
Then the second chance came..., but same again. I felt so misarable, and ended up with calling to my best friend in Vienna, Austria. She said to me, "You firstly apoligize to him about your not being honest to your feelings and to him!". That's why I sent a text to you again with my honest feelings. She knows me well about my week point.
I didn't wanna say like "You took an easy way!!!" something like that! You've never taken any easy ways!!!! You have been challenging for your life, and even now!!! You still have so much passion for life. Of course, I have also kept challenging for my own life here in Japan that you left, but even if no matter how hard I try, I still can't reach you! The distance in the running race between you and me was that much?
I've never had a good life like you. No house, no dogs....., but my focus was just not on those. My focus was just to become a better person in order to chatch up with you. The things I can be proud of are what I've seen, people that I've met, what I've experienced through my current job as a tour escort. And a few friends whom I'm confided in.
Anyway, I'm so so sorry about what I wrote in the text to you. I'm sorry...
You don't need to believe this, but I believe in the existance of souls, and I'm very sensitive to energy around, positive ones, or negative ones. When I entered Australia last week, my soul stated to feel something sorrows causing pains in my heart. While in Gold Coast, I could control it, but once I arrived in Sydney, it became out of control. The pains of my soul were unbearable!!!
Last year, things reminding me of Australia kept appearing in front of me which was like trying to tell something to me. Everywhere I go not only in Japan, but also in oversees. For me, Australia means just YOU, but I had still no idea of what was going on...
Later, those pains got worse, and I couldn't hold my tears. The stay in Sydney this time was awful. Even on a flight to Cairns, the same. The tears kept running down on my cheeks. While waiting at Cairns airport for a flight back to Japan, the same... The strange thing was it suddenly stopped when I completely got out of Australian territory. I'm sure that I must have felt something, but no idea, I thought, "Was it coming from you...?" But I feel that it must have been my soul crying because it knew that I was gonna do the same mistake again....
You said that I had a good memory, and I stubbornly replied, "No!", but you were right. I do have a good memory. Every word you say, every move you make. And with what kind of clothings and glasses, you were reading a thick book which was totaly greek to me. Yes, I do have much more clear memories than you do.
For me, your Ph.d was not important. It isn't even now. You were definetely a seeker whom I liked so much with, whom I did admire so much, whom I couldn't be honest to even though I badly wanted to. With an old white T-shirt, a pair of red half traning pants, and a pair of glasses, you would read books. I think you would look still the sexiest and coolest among the guys I've seen in the world. If no one would have evre tried to understand the poems your wrote, who cares! I would've tried to... of couse even now, I want to.
I just wanted to see you. I wanted you to call out my name. I just wanted to have a walk feeling the existance of you next to me. I wanted to be just close to you once again. That is all I wanted. I just liked the sound of your voice so much when you called my name.
I can't reach the events which prove me the existance of fates yet, but I don't feel any regrets that I've keep believing with hopes so far. There may be so many things that I need to apologize to you and thank to you.
I just should keep doing my fully best until the right time comes for another try.
This is what I am, this is what I wanted to tell, and this is all what I wanted to be honest to you...
Thank you very much for reading and taking your time.
